Shades of Purple

"I hate myself today..tired..i want to stop being "Shirley" awhile and just relax listening to the music". I’m still thinking what made me send that sms this evening as i was on my way back from work. (Of course, i’m not really working..just a temporary attachment). Well, i don’t even know what i meant. I can’t stop being who i am right?

But i really did feel tired today. Not only physically but also mentally, spiritually? I have been feeling uneasy and uncomfortable lately as if i want to shed my skin and get out of myself..I’m tired of myself, which i shouldn’t be at all. I don’t know why when I try to act like myself i somehow don’t feel like myself at all; and when i stop acting as i usually do i feel as if i’m suppressing myself. Maybe i lack of self acceptance that i just don’t like myself the way i am? Well, who’s the number one promoter of the self-lover, self-motivator, self-dependent attitude?..Not me, but i certainly agree with 60% of that attitude plus 40% humility, a person wouldn’t be that selfish or selfless..Then what’s my problem?.. Maybe i’m tired or maybe i’m just trying too hard..

I can’t sleep the other night. I was saying my prayers before going to sleep and i suddenly start "thinking" too much right after. It was the same old disturbing thoughts, ideas and imaginations about creation, God’s existence, man’s existence and reality; and the purpose of life and creation. Do you know the egg and chicken riddle? Well, it’s  something like that.. I haven’t had those thoughts for ages. I thought I’ve fought them off and washed them out of my system for good. They always got me scared, guilty, confused.. but last night it was like a sudden shot into into my brain and heart that i ended up having a headache, tight chest and i was breathing heavily i couldn’t sleep..i calmed down after that though.. I sounded as if i’m stupid or going crazy right?..Well, not many people would think that i could get into such state.. and every Sunday I recite "I believe in God..creator of heaven and earth.." Forgive me Lord for the times I seem to have lack of belief in You..

Today I asked Mr James for my Serum Iron test result. He forgot about it haha just like what i expected. I guess i’ll have to wait till monday. One good thing about doing attachment in the Pathology Department at the hospital is that i could run tests with my own blood, urine samples etc. Of course, not all tests could be done easily without doctor’s indication or authorities’ permission. Some tests uses expensive reagents or equipments and therefore enables limited quantities and done less frequently (non-routine). I’ve to run iron test because the other day my full blood count result shows i have low MCH and MCV and a slightly low Hb count. It was indicated below the results that I was under microcytic anemia (my red blood cells are smaller than average). They had me check for thalassemia, which all turned out to be negative but doesn’t necessary rule out alpha thalassemia carrier trait (For that i had to take another blood sample for the staff to send to IMR, KL for DNA analysis). Besides that i was also asked to check my iron level.

Hmm funny, i thought i always eat balanced proportions and even took supplements.. I wonder whether all those fatigability and heavy breathing i seem to experience somehow sooner than others during training in high school were due to this condition. Maybe i have always had microcytic RBC just that i wasn’t aware about it.. or maybe it’s just due to menstruation more than a week ago.. but that was quite some time so it shouldn’t affect much right? Anyway, i’m not about to start worrying over levels that are not much lower than normal;  my Hb is only 11.9 so it’s still ok. I’ll just have to wait till my mom comes to KK to explain the details since i can’t have her worrying when I call and say, "hi mom, my blood test result says i’m anemic" ;P Goodnight.